gods....this is so hard today. i went to daddy's yesterday and brought the stuffed animal i bought to put some of my mother's dog's ashes in. we'll be burying it with her tomorrow. i brought windsor's ashes back home with me. the box and the toy dog are on my bed waiting for me to get started. and i can't stop crying.



i also have to do some laundry. i have no blacks to wear. they're all dirty.



i had a good day yesterday and a mostly good (if sleepless) night last night. went out to dinner with my friend carolyn. we had a great time. she gave me a new phrase to use for tomorrow. we're "tucking in my mother." i like that idea....tucking her in. it sounds comforting.



i promise to not neglect either myself or my friends. i guess i just needed a couple days off to cry and regroup. i'm also guessing i'll be doing a lot of that over the next year. and yes lance, it does seem to be getting worse before it will get better. this is a different kind of grief than what i went through when my youngest brother killed himself. i seem to be going through a slow build of grief this time. i'm not sure which is better or worse. ya know? the hard crash of sudden grief or this slow build.



i have no appetite most of the time. so i just eat small (but very healthy) meals. when i am hungry (only happened once so far since she died) i eat slightly larger healthy meals. i have a feeling this new "diet" will melt off the last 15 stubborn pounds. lousy way to do it, though.



anyway...i gotta go do some laundry and cry. i'll be back in a bit.



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"They blamed it on the Islamic fanatics, at the time. [...] That was when they suspended the Constitution. They said it would be temporary."-Handmaid's Tale