The Devil and Dick Cheney

A recently declassified communiqué from one evildoer to another

By: BARRY CRIMMINS

7/3/2007 11:43:47 AM

070706_devil_main

TO: Vice-President Richard Bruce Cheney
FROM: Old Horny, Prince of Darkness
RE: Failure to deliver/breach of contract/eternity

Dick: ever since you shoved your fall guy, Scooter, off the political cliff (albeit onto a stuntman mattress filled to capacity with your own hot air), I simply cannot get in touch with you. Perhaps you thought the conditions of the contract we signed went up in smoke along with the document, but I assure you I can access the pact much more easily than I seem to be able to get hold of you.

This is particularly enraging when I see you cavorting with my minuscule minions at the EIB Radio Network and FOX News. Why waste your Satan-given talents speaking directly to an audience that, according to our pollsters, Frank Luntz and Dick Morris, is already 98 percent signed, sealed, and delivered to Me? For eternity !

The other two percent are hopeless do-gooders who monitor those broadcasts the way My ancient and Almighty Enemy eyes the gates of hell.

So what's the percentage in that, Dickie? Have you forgotten that your job is to recruit souls to our cause? Oh sure, Luntz and Morris have determined that, since you forcibly took office six and a half Earth-years ago, belief in Me has skyrocketed while faith in that little socialist bastard Jesus Christ has flat-lined. But trends show a growing planet-wide disgust with evil. And all you seem to manage is to put a face on it - a smug, sweaty face at that. This makes Me look ridiculous, and an entity in My position cannot afford to look ridiculous.

Most recently, you've been telling people you're not part of the executive branch of the US government. No kidding! You are on loan to the RNC from the bowels of hell, and it is the bowels of hell to which you shall return! And there you shall remain - unless, of course, I reassign you as a soul-skimmer in one of those lovely mega-slums, which are such a necessary part of the corporate profiteering that's led to the purchase of both American political parties for such low, low prices!

Make no mistake about it, Cheney, your undead status is under review. I can't put it any clearer than that. And even if you somehow do manage to escape diabolic recall, you'll be back here anyway if you keep eating those bacon cheeseburgers. (Even My powers are limited.)

Now don't try threatening Me by suggesting you might reveal My presence at your secret energy meetings. I'm not exactly worried about sullying My reputation. In any case, only hardcore atheists and the Rapture Right could fail to see my cloven hoof-prints all over an energy policy that's led to unjustifiable war and occupation, environmental calamity, and economic doom. That's the kind of work I sent you to do and, granted, you have completed your misdeeds well.

Except for one thing: so far the only people you've been able to take along for the entire cynical ride were already in our column.

But enough of the polling data; hell is full of loaded questioners. Of course, they're a day at the beach compared with the conspiracy freaks, who are everywhere down here. These crackpots believe they're the victims of a plot to make them think they're in hell so they don't believe they're actually here. But believe me, everyone they come into contact with knows exactly where they are.

So I'm not going to mention a certain Earth date in 2001, because it's hot enough around here without giving those paranoid maniacs more documents with which to fuel the eternal hellfires. You know I have done everything I can for the dummy half of your Edgar Bergen and Joseph McCarthy act. You try conjuring a 91 percent approval rating for a human hat stand and tell me I didn't part the Red State Sea for you. You became so full of yourself, so full of your new powers to torture and disappear people, that you told Me that this over-funded yokel had the chops to be the Antichrist.

There's just one problem, fuckhead: the true Antichrist has to be popular . Were that not the case, you'd have had the job long ago. In what was an eye blink of time to Me, this nincompoop went from being enormously popular in America and a sympathetic figure to the rest of your world, to the bane of all humanity. Doing this while becoming increasingly impertinent is no small feat, but the Antichrist? If you'll forgive the expression, spare Me.

I have other plans for young W. - Inhuman Resources at Halliburton has just hired Ken Lay as the company's new Chief of Afterlife Enterprises. Kenny Boy is personally overseeing the construction of the largest ring of hell ever built. It will be the combined size of all the aforementioned mega-slums, populated with like-mindless souls who will blend in well with your boy. But that's not all! The "W-ring of hell" will perpetually endure carpet-bombing, all while a Cat-5 fecal hurricane stalls over the area for an infinite number of eons. As ever, the lad will be stranded without an exit strategy - unless, of course, Brownie can figure a way to rescue him. (Fair is fair.)

Be of stout heartlessness, My servant. So what if your boy hasn't got the goods to be the Antichrist? There's still plenty of fine talent out there forming search committees and announcing candidacies in your very country. In the meantime, the more I think about it the more I realize that you might best serve as a Great Fallen Leader. Like Ronald Reagan, who, when not busy fellating his pals in theWaffen SS, says the cutest things. Just yesterday I heard him remark, "Boy did I ever have it wrong! Death was a real eye opener for me!" I swear, you can't make this stuff up.

So to put it in your parlance, Dick-o, think "final throes." I'll give you enough time to transfer all the Gitmo prisoners up to Walter Reed, but then I command you to don the cowl and head down into the special bunker for a face to face. Hellfire and damnation suit you so well. I guess that's part of the reason you've always been one of My favorites. Only someone very special can shoot another man in the face and then make his victim apologize. But we have until the end of time to review your accomplishments. For now, I have to get back to the stadium for the welcoming ceremonies for Augusto Pinochet. I ducked out during Jerry Falwell's convocation - he does prattle on!

Oh yeah, if you see Lee Greenwood, tell him he's the only artist we ever play on the Muzak down here - but now I'm prattling.

Just remember there will always be a special place in hell for you. Very, very special.

Yours in everlasting agony and damnation,
Satan

After spending an eternity on the road, political satirist Barry Crimmins has retired to a rural ring of heaven to write. For more, check his blog, "Words To Live Near," on barrycrimmins.com.



"Stupidity has a certain charm -- ignorance does not." - Frank Zappa 


"I believe in everything - nothing is sacred; I believe in nothing - everything is sacred." - Tom Robbins